Eru's Sin... And Other Stories

Stupid, So?

So stupid to trust you
So stupid, so blind
So stupid to give you
Any secret of mine
When you clumsily blunder
With a tongue too numb
So stupid to forgive you
The first time, so dumb
Stupider the second time
Stupider still the third
Stupidity saturates
Every public/private word
As you tell everybody
Then get down on your knees-
"I won't do it again.
One more secret, please?"
All I can do is listen
To what the music has to say
Agree and argue with the words
And wait for, curse the coming day
When I'll forgive you again
Because there's nothing else to do
I must be so very stupid
Almost as dumb as you...

I wrote that yesterday after talking with Andre.
Why does everyone else assume that they know what I want, what I am, better than they do? He did that with Kathryn and now he's doing it to me...
He's more or less my best friend and I'd hoped he'd understand. But he's just like everyone else- what I know about me isn't as important as what he thinks he knows about me. Judging.
Fuck, that hurts.
I hate it when people make me miserable by saying that I'm not me, because then I start thinking that maybe I'm not.
Fuck it all. Fuck HIM. But I'll forgive him, because I always do. It's like it says in the poem- because there's nothing else to do. Because standing up for myself takes more effort than saying a few gruff words, then hanging up on him...

Rants like this aren't what you want to read, I know. Not now. But I have- there're so many things I desperately want to say, or at least try to say even if I can't really find the words, but I feel horribly guilty if I tell a person. Even writing it down... or thinking it.
Everyone feels that way. Or at least I think they do. It's kind of like mortification of the flesh, only you're mortifying the mind, blocking thoughts so that your soul will stay "pure".
Which is complete bullshit to the way we're taught to think because we are taught to feel guilt, to want to do penance. Sometimes I think that if there is an ultimate God it feeds on guilt, on people making themselves feel horrible and dirty... maybe if there's one God it enjoys that, because it sees how evil we think we are and knows itself to be clean and pure in comparison. Or maybe that's just the way that religions work.
We are told about things like original sin and by that we learn that no one is innocent and that everyone compared to this one true God, this Allah, this whatever is nothing, absolutely nothing. That we survive by its will alone, by its affection. And so we start to worry... "What if I piss off God?" And we confess our "sins", which are so often just things that make us happier- feeling proud or lustful or enjoying material things- and we try to stay away from things that might make us happy, maybe because God will get jealous, and we hope that that's good enough, that someday we can get off our knees.
The thing is just the idea of sin is a vicious cycle. You confess. You do penance. You are cleansed until you slip up, and then someone gives you a slap on the wrist, but it's okay because as long as you get back on your knees and tell God that you are nothing, that you are a worthless sinner, He will forgive you. Hope that if you deny yourself, mortify every part of you and feed your soul, you will someday be forgiven for all the things you haven't done. But not doing things doesn't make you a better person, more spiritually fulfilled- it just means that you'll have regrets.
I'm not saying this to dismiss morality. But I do think that morality is a very relative thing- in the eyes of some people I am a filthy sinner just for thinking any of this, which brings everything around full circle. I think that Pullman was right: by traditional thinking, thought makes sin, and sensation makes sin, and enjoyment and pleasure make sin. So why not be sinful?
Maybe everything's backwards. And up is down and right is left (or wrong).
This is what happens when you let me watch Marilyn Manson interviews. I hope that was somewhat coherent.

I went to Kathryn's sleepover and it didn't suck because nothing can suck if you have a strobe light. The cat tried to eat my foot and the dog smelled like musty hot dogs. We watched Space Jam. I don't know why. We ate waffles. I don't know why for that either. When it came time for Inane Chatter I rolled my eyes and groaned loudly, but no one tried to smother me with a pillow which surprises me. I tried cheese/chicken nachos and they didn't suck. Kathryn was poked in the eye more than once and Cait and I talked about Queer As Folk. Leah slept on the couch, which is nice because she was close enough for me to be able to smack her feet with my hand.

This, I think, is enough.

~Jehane

"And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things. That's what sin is." - Granny Weatherwax, Carpe Jugulum

Had To Make A List Like This...

Worthwhile Things That I Have Accomplished This Summer

- Wrote Under The Stairs. I measure my life by what I'm writing, and when I don't write anything I feel like shit, so this is very important. As well, it's the first novella I've written since late 2001.
- Started long and arduous process of changing physical image. Soon my closet will be filled with nothing but black. MUAHAHA! BWA HA HA! MWA- *Cough, wheeze.*
- Bought music. Lots of it. Actually, all the music that I've bought for myself I've gotten after May.
- Reread Halfway Human. That is one of the best books ever written, I think. (Sadly, I couldn't find the militant feminist/pagan history of the rise and fall of mother-based religion that I read last year... I need to get that again, very interesting and cool.)
- Had many interesting conversations with many interesting people. None of whom, coincidentally, were Andre.
- Epiphanied. About twelve times. Can't remember what the epiphanies were about now, but trust me, they were there.
- Realized what a self-absorbed dick I was being. This is probably the most important thing I've done. Hopefully I'm only a semi-asshole now.

That is all I can think of. Which is really sad and semi-depressing.
So is the fact that this is the last day of summer vacation. But summer ended a while ago, it smells like autumn now.
I like the smell of autumn more than the smell of summer. Hopefully high school won't suck too much. (Such an optimist, aren't I.)

I think Anthony Keidis' hair may be longer than mine. -.O This... does not please us.
Neither does the fact that my hair's looking browner than usual lately. The dye was supposed to be permanent, dammit.
Neither also does the fact that I am going to go back to school looking like I just got a visit from the Puberty Fairy. Damn hormonal inbalances that make my skin oily...

I have absolutely nothing deep or interesting to say. In the words of Neal, "I'm so shallow I wonder why I don't reflect myself."


Your elitist claim to fame is that you prefer local
or obscure bands that have yet to be
discovered. You love to be the first person to
introduce a new band to your friends. You
frequent all the mom and pop record stores,
read all the indie music publications, scour
the internet and keep on top of all the latest.
You generally dont respect what mainstream
music has to offer, and thats why you like
independent artists to work with smaller record
labels so they have more creative control. You
generally like bands with small fan bases, but
you wouldnt abandon your favorite if they
happen to make it big. You look to music to
express your desire for social change. You like
artists that write music about politics,
relationships and our culture. Some important
artists for you might be: Afghan Whigs,
Radiohead, Wilco, Pavement and Liz Phair.


What type of musical elitist are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

This makes a lot of sense. I talked to Cait about this once, actually- it's depressing that the bands I like are bands that no one else around here likes, but then again if they did become really popular you'd get idiots like Cayla liking them just because everyone else does and that would just ruin everything.
And yes, I do sort of like political music. And I don't really respect mainstream music.
Random People Who Read This Journal: WE KNOW, DAMMIT!
O.o Temper, temper.
I've decided that I do like the Bright Eyes album. Very much so, in fact. It's odd because normally I like more polished music, but the writing's amazing. Yay for Conor Oberst.
Favourite songs on CD: You Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will (no, that's really the title), Lover I Don't Have To Love, Bowl Of Oranges (sort of ish... not the tune but the words), Don't Know When But A Day's Gonna Come, Waste Of Paint, On A Balance Beam.
Now I need to buy Fevers And Mirrors. It never stops.

~Jehane, your daily dose of philosophy, shallow ponderation, music, books, and nerdhood.

"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire