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On Why I Wish Bisexuality Were Really Trendy, Or, A Rope Of Sand
I'm not sure why I'm writing this. It's possibly because I watched Velvet Goldmine and found myself longing for an era, however brief, when sexual ambiguity and gender bending were actually cool. Or it could be because I watched Velvet Goldmine and rediscovered my little boy crush on Ewan McGregor. Either way, I feel the need to get this off my spindly little shoulders.
People keep on saying that bisexuality is trendy.
I've been told time and time again that it is, that swingin' both ways is all the rage, that switch-hitters are the height of cool, but that's bull. What's really trendy is drunken fratboys promising their wearily tolerant girlfriends that if they make out with each other they will actually have sex with them later instead of watching porn until they fall into an exhausted stupor. Women who decide to date that girl's hockey veteran after they break up with you? Not so much. Boys who are genuinely attracted to women and men? Ew, no.* Transfolk who love all sorts of genders? Hah, yeah, right. Bisexuality, pansexuality, sapiosexuality- none of them are considered trendy or cool, even by other queers. How often have you heard a lesbian say she won't date bi girls because they're "more likely to cheat", or a gay guy insist that all men are either "straight, gay, or lying", or the whole damn world say that bisexuality is a phase at best?
I'm not even gonna get into the knuckle-dragging straight guys who immediately assume that when their girlfriend says "I'm bisexual" she really means "I want you to watch me have sex with that gymnast Lorraine you think is so darn hot."**
No, for all that people trumpet about how oh, bisexuality is so hip that all high school girls are bi now,*** bisexuality is not trendy. No matter how many girls kiss at parties, no matter how metrosexual men's fashion gets, no matter how hard David Bowie rocks (and he really, really does), bisexuality is not trendy.
But oh, how I wish it were.
Yes, you heard that right. I wish that bisexuality was trendy. This doesn't mean that I wish bisexuality was a trend, because a person's orientation can't be a trend. What I wish is that everyone felt comfortable enough to explore themselves and figure out who they really are. I wish... oh, let me put it this way:
You're a forty-year-old woman who just divorced her second husband- not because he's a horrible person, but just because you don't feel the same way about each other anymore. You get a new job so you can support your kids and realize that you're crushing on the redhead who works in Customer Service. And you're nervous, and excited, and scared, but you can still ask her out.
Because bisexuality is cool, and she won't think you're weird even if she doesn't feel the same way.
Or you're a teenage boy with a girlfriend who you love very much, and you go to a party and meet a cute, funny boy with curly hair and a slight lisp. He likes all the same bands you like, the ones your girlfriend makes you turn off when you drive together, and there's a moment when one songs ends and the conversations wash over you and you can lean over and kiss him.
Because bisexuality is cool, and no one will call you a fag.
Or you're a lifelong lesbian with a truck and three cats, and when your girlfriend of five years leaves you you call over your friend Brian, who has known he's gay since he was seven. (He also looks really hot in drag, but you've never told him that.) You get drunk and eat ice cream together, and he puts on When Harry Met Sally, and you think as you sit close and comfortable on the sofa that you know, you can imagine being with Brian for a long time, and even though you've never really wanted to kiss boys, kissing Brian seems like it wouldn't be that bad. And at that pivotal moment, when Harry tells Sally that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, you turn to Brian and say... well, maybe something a little more drunken and incoherent, liker "I fuckin' love you, man", or "We should go on a date sometime now that Jessie won't be taking the truck on her weekend campfire retreats anymore", or even "Let's have sex before the rest of the ice cream melts." But whatever it is you say, you know that it's okay.
Because bisexuality is cool, and you both know that if you go out the queer community won't call you turncoats.
I want bisexuality to be trendy. I want sexual experimentation to be in. I want the dominant culture to applaud people who act on those feelings they have, even if they aren't feelings they ever expected themselves to have. I want it to be okay for people to open themselves up to possibilities now and again. Because, honestly, almost everyone is a little bit bisexual. Imagine a world where we embraced that and accepted the reality of multiple sexualities, a thousand opportunities for love. And no, bisexuality being trendy wouldn't necessarily mean that everyone would suddenly be bisexual- at the end of the day you like who you like.
But that's the point.
At the end of the day you like who you like, and sometimes that doesn't go according to plan. I want a world where that's okay. Where, in fact, it is awesome, because it is. Things don't always go according to plan, love is accidental, things just happen and that's beautiful and exciting and we should go with that, and not expect everyone to have everything worked out as soon as they're born, or pick a team like they're in middle school gym. (If that's even how it works. See who failed that class?) We need more room to breathe, to enjoy, to taste and touch and laugh and fall in love with whoever inspires us.
I want bisexuality to be trendy. I want people to be okay with not fitting into the binary. I want everyone to just relax, because loving someone is never wrong.
But mostly I want more boys to own up to having huge crushes on Johnny Depp.****
* Unless you are a member of![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
boy_touching or go to the same parties I do.
** Or the people who say that the existence of the aforementioned knuckle-draggers means that queer women are accepted by the mainstream. That is not acceptance, people, that is objectifying ickiness. Kind of like how a bird is not a cat.
*** Seriously, what high school did these people go to? More importantly, why couldn't I have gone too?
**** Or Tim Curry in fishnets, because the man's got a killer pair of legs.
People keep on saying that bisexuality is trendy.
I've been told time and time again that it is, that swingin' both ways is all the rage, that switch-hitters are the height of cool, but that's bull. What's really trendy is drunken fratboys promising their wearily tolerant girlfriends that if they make out with each other they will actually have sex with them later instead of watching porn until they fall into an exhausted stupor. Women who decide to date that girl's hockey veteran after they break up with you? Not so much. Boys who are genuinely attracted to women and men? Ew, no.* Transfolk who love all sorts of genders? Hah, yeah, right. Bisexuality, pansexuality, sapiosexuality- none of them are considered trendy or cool, even by other queers. How often have you heard a lesbian say she won't date bi girls because they're "more likely to cheat", or a gay guy insist that all men are either "straight, gay, or lying", or the whole damn world say that bisexuality is a phase at best?
I'm not even gonna get into the knuckle-dragging straight guys who immediately assume that when their girlfriend says "I'm bisexual" she really means "I want you to watch me have sex with that gymnast Lorraine you think is so darn hot."**
No, for all that people trumpet about how oh, bisexuality is so hip that all high school girls are bi now,*** bisexuality is not trendy. No matter how many girls kiss at parties, no matter how metrosexual men's fashion gets, no matter how hard David Bowie rocks (and he really, really does), bisexuality is not trendy.
But oh, how I wish it were.
Yes, you heard that right. I wish that bisexuality was trendy. This doesn't mean that I wish bisexuality was a trend, because a person's orientation can't be a trend. What I wish is that everyone felt comfortable enough to explore themselves and figure out who they really are. I wish... oh, let me put it this way:
You're a forty-year-old woman who just divorced her second husband- not because he's a horrible person, but just because you don't feel the same way about each other anymore. You get a new job so you can support your kids and realize that you're crushing on the redhead who works in Customer Service. And you're nervous, and excited, and scared, but you can still ask her out.
Because bisexuality is cool, and she won't think you're weird even if she doesn't feel the same way.
Or you're a teenage boy with a girlfriend who you love very much, and you go to a party and meet a cute, funny boy with curly hair and a slight lisp. He likes all the same bands you like, the ones your girlfriend makes you turn off when you drive together, and there's a moment when one songs ends and the conversations wash over you and you can lean over and kiss him.
Because bisexuality is cool, and no one will call you a fag.
Or you're a lifelong lesbian with a truck and three cats, and when your girlfriend of five years leaves you you call over your friend Brian, who has known he's gay since he was seven. (He also looks really hot in drag, but you've never told him that.) You get drunk and eat ice cream together, and he puts on When Harry Met Sally, and you think as you sit close and comfortable on the sofa that you know, you can imagine being with Brian for a long time, and even though you've never really wanted to kiss boys, kissing Brian seems like it wouldn't be that bad. And at that pivotal moment, when Harry tells Sally that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, you turn to Brian and say... well, maybe something a little more drunken and incoherent, liker "I fuckin' love you, man", or "We should go on a date sometime now that Jessie won't be taking the truck on her weekend campfire retreats anymore", or even "Let's have sex before the rest of the ice cream melts." But whatever it is you say, you know that it's okay.
Because bisexuality is cool, and you both know that if you go out the queer community won't call you turncoats.
I want bisexuality to be trendy. I want sexual experimentation to be in. I want the dominant culture to applaud people who act on those feelings they have, even if they aren't feelings they ever expected themselves to have. I want it to be okay for people to open themselves up to possibilities now and again. Because, honestly, almost everyone is a little bit bisexual. Imagine a world where we embraced that and accepted the reality of multiple sexualities, a thousand opportunities for love. And no, bisexuality being trendy wouldn't necessarily mean that everyone would suddenly be bisexual- at the end of the day you like who you like.
But that's the point.
At the end of the day you like who you like, and sometimes that doesn't go according to plan. I want a world where that's okay. Where, in fact, it is awesome, because it is. Things don't always go according to plan, love is accidental, things just happen and that's beautiful and exciting and we should go with that, and not expect everyone to have everything worked out as soon as they're born, or pick a team like they're in middle school gym. (If that's even how it works. See who failed that class?) We need more room to breathe, to enjoy, to taste and touch and laugh and fall in love with whoever inspires us.
I want bisexuality to be trendy. I want people to be okay with not fitting into the binary. I want everyone to just relax, because loving someone is never wrong.
But mostly I want more boys to own up to having huge crushes on Johnny Depp.****
* Unless you are a member of
boy_touching or go to the same parties I do.** Or the people who say that the existence of the aforementioned knuckle-draggers means that queer women are accepted by the mainstream. That is not acceptance, people, that is objectifying ickiness. Kind of like how a bird is not a cat.
*** Seriously, what high school did these people go to? More importantly, why couldn't I have gone too?
**** Or Tim Curry in fishnets, because the man's got a killer pair of legs.
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