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ishyfaceFifty Ways To Amuse Yourself In A Deli
(Inspired by Fun Ways To Quit Your Job At The Coffee Stand and Exciting Ways To Pass Time In Meetings)
1. Wear a barrel.
2. Perform "Under Pressure", complete with high kicks, flourishes, and tights. Force helpless passers-by to hit the notes you can't.
3. Shower.
4. Insert gratuitous sexual innuendo- complete with winks, nudges, and "say-no-more"s- into interactions with customers, coworkers, and janitorial staff.
5. Burn. Ravage. Pilfer.
6. Perform exorcisms.
7. Refer to the Swiss cheese as "that one that tastes like jizz." As loudly as possible.
8. Give every other customer a complimentary gift basket. Offer no explanation.
9. Give every twentieth customer a new pair of socks. Explain apologetically that you've run out of gift baskets.
10. Speak only in Italian. Should you encounter someone who actually speaks Italian, switch to Cantonese.
11. Pelt approaching customers with curried rice.
12. Periodically leap onto the display case, waving a red flag and screaming "VIVE LA REVOLUTION!" Shoot entire bakery staff. Calmly return to work as though nothing has happened.
13. Creep into Seafood. Liberate the lobsters.
14. Engage in casual conversation with passing families. Strip while doing so. Appear shocked and hurt when they react with outrage.
15. Respond to all simple requests with "Aye, but first ye must answer me these questions three!" Then cackle. Scottishly.
16. Cast people into flames. When objections arise, insist that it is for reasons of ritual purification.
17. Using a broom and a hobbyhorse, declare yourself Caesar. Conquer canned goods. Levy taxes.
18. Paint your toenails.
19. Paint someone else's toenails.
20. Reproduce.
21. Hawk iPods.
22. Smile beatifically at customers and ask them if they will be your best friend. If they say no, burst into noisy inconsolable tears until they depart. If they say yes, set fire to them. They are not to be trusted.
23. Greet small children and the elderly with a hearty bellow of "PREPARE TO DIE, MUDBLOOD SCUM!"
24. Forcibly convert one half of the deli to Mormonism. Forcibly convert the remaining half to Scientology. Start a holy war.
25. Construct a ziggurat.
26. Communicate with fellow employees via handpuppet.
27. Regretfully inform expectant customers that you "don't serve the ungodly."
28. Converse with other people's genitalia.
29. Accost all who venture near in broken English and attempt to sell them small plaster statues of the Virgin.
30. Give props.
31. Give praise.
32. Give head.
33. Scream "RELEASE THE BATS!" whenever things get a little too quiet.
34. As above, while actually releasing bats.
35. Hold empowerment seminars.
36. Hold wrestling matches.
37. Hold stonings.
38. Announce that all employees must participate in a joust, "for Queen and country."
39. French-braid your hair.
40. French braid other people's hair.
41. As above, below the waist.
42. Speak in tongues.
43. Twitch.
44. Reenact The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, complete with makeshift river and moral epiphany.
45. Stare hungrily at babies. Mutter something shady that people can't quite catch about rosemary and béchamel sauce.
46. Shoot a documentary.
47. Shoot a pornographic film.
48. Shoot Andy Warhol.
49. Coerce the floor managers into an EXTREEEEEEEEEEEME three-legged race. Lose. Cry.
50. Achieve enlightenment.
In other news- it is impossible for me to watch Kill Bill without analyzing fucking everything. I"m sitting there thinking "Okay, a little bit of gratuitous violence will do me good right now" and my brain goes "OOOO-KAY! There's a phallic symbol there... ooh, she's defying the patriarchy! Or is she really enforcing it? What does this relationship mean? How does this conform to action movie stereotypes while simultaneously breaking those stereotypes? How are race relations portrayed in Vol. I?" And I think "Oh my God brain SHUT UP I WANT TO ENJOY MINDLESS ENTERTAINMENT OKAY?!" And then my brain says "Well, okay. But why is Uma Thurman so skinny? Does she eat? How could someone that skinny kick so much ass without breaking in half?" And I think "You know, you've got a point there. We should send her a cake or something."
And that's what happens in my brain.
(Inspired by Fun Ways To Quit Your Job At The Coffee Stand and Exciting Ways To Pass Time In Meetings)
1. Wear a barrel.
2. Perform "Under Pressure", complete with high kicks, flourishes, and tights. Force helpless passers-by to hit the notes you can't.
3. Shower.
4. Insert gratuitous sexual innuendo- complete with winks, nudges, and "say-no-more"s- into interactions with customers, coworkers, and janitorial staff.
5. Burn. Ravage. Pilfer.
6. Perform exorcisms.
7. Refer to the Swiss cheese as "that one that tastes like jizz." As loudly as possible.
8. Give every other customer a complimentary gift basket. Offer no explanation.
9. Give every twentieth customer a new pair of socks. Explain apologetically that you've run out of gift baskets.
10. Speak only in Italian. Should you encounter someone who actually speaks Italian, switch to Cantonese.
11. Pelt approaching customers with curried rice.
12. Periodically leap onto the display case, waving a red flag and screaming "VIVE LA REVOLUTION!" Shoot entire bakery staff. Calmly return to work as though nothing has happened.
13. Creep into Seafood. Liberate the lobsters.
14. Engage in casual conversation with passing families. Strip while doing so. Appear shocked and hurt when they react with outrage.
15. Respond to all simple requests with "Aye, but first ye must answer me these questions three!" Then cackle. Scottishly.
16. Cast people into flames. When objections arise, insist that it is for reasons of ritual purification.
17. Using a broom and a hobbyhorse, declare yourself Caesar. Conquer canned goods. Levy taxes.
18. Paint your toenails.
19. Paint someone else's toenails.
20. Reproduce.
21. Hawk iPods.
22. Smile beatifically at customers and ask them if they will be your best friend. If they say no, burst into noisy inconsolable tears until they depart. If they say yes, set fire to them. They are not to be trusted.
23. Greet small children and the elderly with a hearty bellow of "PREPARE TO DIE, MUDBLOOD SCUM!"
24. Forcibly convert one half of the deli to Mormonism. Forcibly convert the remaining half to Scientology. Start a holy war.
25. Construct a ziggurat.
26. Communicate with fellow employees via handpuppet.
27. Regretfully inform expectant customers that you "don't serve the ungodly."
28. Converse with other people's genitalia.
29. Accost all who venture near in broken English and attempt to sell them small plaster statues of the Virgin.
30. Give props.
31. Give praise.
32. Give head.
33. Scream "RELEASE THE BATS!" whenever things get a little too quiet.
34. As above, while actually releasing bats.
35. Hold empowerment seminars.
36. Hold wrestling matches.
37. Hold stonings.
38. Announce that all employees must participate in a joust, "for Queen and country."
39. French-braid your hair.
40. French braid other people's hair.
41. As above, below the waist.
42. Speak in tongues.
43. Twitch.
44. Reenact The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, complete with makeshift river and moral epiphany.
45. Stare hungrily at babies. Mutter something shady that people can't quite catch about rosemary and béchamel sauce.
46. Shoot a documentary.
47. Shoot a pornographic film.
48. Shoot Andy Warhol.
49. Coerce the floor managers into an EXTREEEEEEEEEEEME three-legged race. Lose. Cry.
50. Achieve enlightenment.
In other news- it is impossible for me to watch Kill Bill without analyzing fucking everything. I"m sitting there thinking "Okay, a little bit of gratuitous violence will do me good right now" and my brain goes "OOOO-KAY! There's a phallic symbol there... ooh, she's defying the patriarchy! Or is she really enforcing it? What does this relationship mean? How does this conform to action movie stereotypes while simultaneously breaking those stereotypes? How are race relations portrayed in Vol. I?" And I think "Oh my God brain SHUT UP I WANT TO ENJOY MINDLESS ENTERTAINMENT OKAY?!" And then my brain says "Well, okay. But why is Uma Thurman so skinny? Does she eat? How could someone that skinny kick so much ass without breaking in half?" And I think "You know, you've got a point there. We should send her a cake or something."
And that's what happens in my brain.