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you got me right here in your jean pocket
Jan. 8th, 2019 12:01 am 1. What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?
- Navigated the Montreal subway system on my own!
- Attended a young adult literature conference!
- Met an Internet friend!
- Ate several new meats, such as venison and duck!
- Saw the Decemberists in concert, thereby satisfying the wildest dreams of my sixteen-year-old self!
- Saw Aqua and Prozzak in concert, thereby satisfying the wildest dreams of my ten-year-old self!
- Saw Zola Jesus in concert, thereby satisfying the wildest dreams of my current self!
- Hosted a pride party!
- Went geocaching!
- Had sex with a person I am actually physically attracted to! (This may be a slight exaggeration- it's not like I've found my past partners UNattractive, it's just that this is the first time that physical attraction has been such a huge component of why I want to do lie-down kisses with someone. It makes a huge difference in how enjoyable sex is, as it turns out!)
- Got SEVEN ACCEPTANCES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Technically eight, but I withdrew one after getting the acceptance letter.) Meaning I am now officially a Published Author! Here are all the ones you can see online:
Games to Play at Parties
Blood and Vinegar
The Salt Gift
The Witch's Apprentice
At the Seams
The Fisherman's Daughter
Blood and Vinegar
The Salt Gift
The Witch's Apprentice
At the Seams
The Fisherman's Daughter
And... well, this isn't a first, per se, but I started dating a girl named Amy (different Amy than Awful Ex-Fiancee, thank goodness), and it feels like this is the first time I have ever had a relationship that's just... gone well from the get go. There's no drama or baggage! We're kind to one another! I don't feel the need to lie about things! She doesn't do coke and try to fuck other people! I realize that these all sound like very low bars, and they are, but I forgot that relationships can feel good. And this one does!
Also she's tall and hot and dorky and funny and I have had a mad crush on her since like 2009, so nice job pulling that off, Elliott.
Also she's tall and hot and dorky and funny and I have had a mad crush on her since like 2009, so nice job pulling that off, Elliott.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
From last year: Travel to Montreal and New York (went to Montreal, hopefully will cross New York off the list next year!); get at least two more pieces published (baby I got MORE THAN THAT); have a workable manuscript by the end of the year (ssssorta? it's not entirely finished yet but I have a solid beginning!); actually learn how to speak Arabic I mean it this time (I did not do that ugh); get into the Simon Fraser Writer's Studio Creative Writing Program (did not apply, but am going to in 2019!); have sex at some point before I forget how (oh man, I super did not forget how and have been having LOTS and it RULES); try acid and mushrooms before I turn 30 (did not do this, but only because my little sister flaked and did not find them for me, joke's on me because that is obviously what happens when you rely on your younger siblings for narcotics).
For this year: Keep submitting things! Apply to SFWS! Keep getting kisses from Amy! Visit New York! Finish my novel and start another! Try hallucinogens! Take chances! Make mistakes! And GET MESSY!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My high school friend Caroline had a little boy named Gus! He's pretty cute, as far as babies go.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
My best friend's father committed suicide in December. I never met him, so it feels weird to say that it affected me deeply, but it did- not only because BFF is in a lot of pain and trouble, but because suicide is such a huge, awful, scary thing and this is the closest I've ever been to it.
5. What countries did you visit?
Just this one. However, I did make it out of the Maritimes for the first time in ages, which was nice.
6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?
More visits with friends! More travelling! More story acceptances! A finished novel! More interesting things to do at the library! A place of my own! (Or, failing that, the bigger bedroom in this apartment.)
7. What dates from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 29th: got the news that the appeal went through on the insurance thing, meaning that I am still on the hook for SO MANY DOLLARS.
May 19th: went to Montreal!
June 29th: met Amy for drinks at the crappy bar across the street to catch up after several years of not really knowing one another, thereby kicking off A Thing.
October 15th: the day I officially asked Amy to be my girlfriend. (She said yes! It ruled! We were sitting on a park bench after feeding squirrels and I said "so I don't know if this is the kind of thing that people ask, but would you maybe like to be my girlfriend?" And she laughed and said yes and then pressed her face into my neck and said "mine" and my WHOLE ENTIRE SELF BURST INTO FLAMES!)
December 18th: the day William's father died.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting published! Getting kisses! Getting the word from my lawyer that the insurance company may take a small monthly settlement for two years instead of forcing me to go bankrupt! (Well, technically that was his achievement, but still, I'm claiming it.)
9. What was your biggest failure?
Hm... probably therapy? I started going again in September, but then the therapist cancelled my third appointment and never called me to reschedule, and I kind of just let it go instead of pursuing her and getting another appointment. Because why do things when you can NOT do things?
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
The worst thing that happened was food poisoning on my birthday. That shit suuuucked. And may have ruined sushi for me forever.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
A plane ticket to Montreal! That trip was so lovely and relaxing and fun and everything I didn't know I needed. I also bought a bunch of wacky t-shirts and sweaters, which I knew I didn't need (but still wanted).
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Chuck Tingle's. Also mine.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
My father's because he's always awful, my mother's because she took him back again (she denies it but they are absolutely back together). And, of course, every politician.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Saving up for writing school! I have almost all of it put aside now. Assuming I don't need to pay for bankruptcy, which costs TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS, isn't that insane? Like, why do people have to pay to say they have no money? THE POINT IS THEY HAVE NO MONEY. It boggles the mind.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Writing! Having a functioning adult relationship! Montreal! Shiny boots! My birthday!
16. What song will always remind you of 2018?
Everything from Janelle Monae's Dirty Computer but especially "PYNK" and "Make Me Feel," "Talia" and "1950" by King Princess, "Up Against Me" by LP, "Atmosphere" by Joy Division, the Chromatics cover of "Ceremony," "It Gets More Blue" by Girlpool, "Whirlwind" by the Gits, "Bottom of the Deep Blue Sea" by MISSIO, "One Touch" by Baauer, "Gucci Gang" by Joyner Lucas, "Love" by Lana del Ray, "I Know a Place" by Muna, "Spotlight" by Marshmello and Lil Peep, "Fast Slow Disco" by St. Vincent, "Girls" by Girl In Red, "Hearts Beat Loud," "Everything Must Go," and "Blink (One Million Miles)" from the Hearts Beat Loud soundtrack, "Day I Die" by the National, "Everything Is Awful," "I'll Be Your Girl," "We All Die Young," and "Ben Franklin's Song" by the Decemberists, "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" by Whitney Houston, "Townie" by Mitski, "What I Need" and "Curious" by Hayley Kiyoko, everything from the last Stars album, everything from the last Future Islands album, "Benz Truck" and "The Brightside" by Lil Peep, "Black Beatles" by Rae Sremmurd, "Blind" by Hercules and Love Affair, "Boys" by Lizzo, all the Drab Majesty songs but especially "Oak Wood," "Color Blind" by Diplo and Lil Xan, "Dangerous Days" and "Exhumed" by Zola Jesus, "Dim All The Lights" by Donna Summer, "Dive" by Beach House, every Kendrick Lamar song but especially "DNA" and "King Kunta," "Everybody Wants To Be Famous" and "Something For Your M.I.N.D." by Superorganism, "Got Her Own" by Syd, everything from Melodrama by Lorde but especially "Green Light" and "Supercut," "Hot" by Prozzak, "I Can't Quit" by the Vaccines, "In My Feelings" by Drake, "Nothing Ever Happened" by Deerhunter, "Wild Heart" by SPELLES, "One In One Out" by We Are Scientists, "Partners In Motion" by Wild Nothing, "Rangers" by Randa, "Screws" by Dreamers, "Bloom" by Troye Sivan, "Take a Walk" by Passion Pit, "You Don't Walk Away From Love" by Peace, and "This is America" by Childish Gambino.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Happier in some ways, sadder in others. Mostly happier, though!
b) thinner or fatter?
Fatter, definitely. I'm not sure if I've been eating worse or if my body has just given up and been all "fuck it, let's just slap all this lard on the thighs and hope for the best."
c) richer or poorer?
The same, but soon to be poorer if things go the way they seem like they're going, because I'll be paying $300 a month to the gotdam insurance company. (Still better than the alternative, but it's gonna suck.)
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I always wish I'd written more, and this year is no exception even though I wrote a lot. I wish I'd traveled more, and seen more of my friends who live far away. I wish I'd pressed more for guidance and development at the library, because I want to get involved with the community and make our resources more readily available and accessible to people. And I wish I'd taken better care of myself, exercised more, eaten better, all that blah blah. I never actually WANT to do that, but I always regret not doing it.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Trying to be all things to all people. I tend to take on other people's mental health issues and make them my own, and then blame myself for not being able to fix them. It's silly, and I KNOW it's silly, but that doesn't stop me from doing it.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it in Bedford with my parents and youngest sister. I really hope that this is the last year I'll have to do that, because much as I love my family, by the end of the day I wanted to strangle all of them.
21. Did you fall in love in 2018?
You know what?
Yeah. I did.
22. How many one-night stands?
None! But as mentioned above, I did have a LOT of sex. Not to brag. (Well, a little to brag.)
23. What were your favourite TV programs?
The Good Place, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and Bojack Horseman continue to be my favourite things currently airing. I finally watched the adaptation of Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell after rereading the book and loved it. GLOW and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend were amazing. Maniac made me forget how off-putting I find Jonah Hill. American Vandal was unexpectedly the best thing on Netflix. The Haunting of Hill House was ALMOST good, but the last episode totally ruined the whole show for me. I also got into Veep this year, although I did spend every episode hoping that horrible things would happen to all the characters.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Several patrons. One in particular is named Ian and he just. keeps. TOUCHING ME. I want him to fall down at least five flights of stairs.
25. What was the best book you read?
Through the Woods by Emily Carroll; The Logogryph by Thomas Wharton; Space is Just a Starry Night by Tanith Lee; Chocolat by Joanne Harris; The Angel of History by Rabih Alameddine; Bud, Not Buddy and The Mighty Miss Malone by Christopher Paul Curtis; Radiance and The Refrigerator Monologues by Catherynne M. Valente; Beartown by Fredrick Backman; The Unpersuadables: Adventures with the Enemies of Science by Will Storr; North Korea: Another Country by Bruce Cumings; On South Mountain: The Dark Secrets Of The Goler Clan by David Cruise and Alison Griffiths; Violent Cases by Neil Gaiman; Mapping the Interior by Stephen Graham Jones; Redemption in Indigo by Karen Lord; Stranger Here: How Weight-Loss Surgery Transformed My Body and Messed with My Head by Jen Larsen; The Girls by Emma Kline; The Merry Spinster: Tales of Everyday Horror by Daniel Mallory Ortberg (though that is mostly on potential, a la Buttercup); A Closed and Common Orbit by Becky Chambers; The Dinner Party by Joshua Ferris; Unmentionable: The Victorian Lady's Guide to Sex, Marriage, and Manners by Therese Oneill; So You Want To Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo; Made For Love and Tampa by Alissa Nutting; Girl Boy Girl: How I Became JT Leroy by Savannah Knoop; The Miniature Wife: And Other Stories by Manuel Gonzales; The Hours by Michael Cunningham; Ways to Disappear by Idra Novey; Magic For Beginners by Kelly Link; The Dirt She Ate by Minnie Bruce Pratt; Spoonbenders by Daryl Gregory; Them: Adventures with Extremists by Jon Ronson; The Emerald Circus by Jane Yolen; Love, Hate, and Other Filters by Samira Ahmed; Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House by Michael Wolff; American Panda by Gloria Chao; Octavia’s Brood: Science Fiction Stories from Social Justice Movements by Walidah Imarisha; Mother Night by Kurt Vonnegut; Prairie Fires: The American Dreams of Laura Ingalls Wilder by Caroline Fraser; Starlings, Farthing, Ha’Penny, Half a Crown, My Real Children, and Tooth and Claw by Jo Walton; My Soul To Take and Ghost Summer by Tananarive Due; The Teacher’s Funeral: A Comedy in Three Parts by Richard Peck; I’ll Be Gone In the Dark: One Woman's Obsessive Search for the Golden State Killer by Michelle McNamara; The Natural Way of Things by Charlotte Wood; Fly By Night by Frances Hardinge; A False Report: A True Story of Rape in America by Ken Armstrong and T. Christian Miller; After the People Lights Have Gone Off by Stephen Graham Jones; Not That Bad: Dispatches from Rape Culture by Roxane Gay; On Tyranny: Twenty Lessons from the Twentieth Century by Timothy D. Snyder; The Telling by Ursula K. LeGuin; The New Dark Age: Technology and the End of the Future by James Bridle; Fear: Trump in the White House by Bob Woodward; Red Clocks by Leni Zumas; The Blue Castle by L. M. Montgomery; Meet Me in the Bathroom: Rebirth and Rock and Roll in New York City by Elizabeth Goodman; Bunk: The Rise of Hoaxes, Humbug, Plagiarists, Phonies, Post-facts, and Fake News by Kevin Young; Foe and I'm Thinking of Ending Things by Iain Reid; The Grip of It by Jac Jemc; Certain Dark Things by Silvia Moreno-Garcia; Pleasure Bound: Victorian Sex Rebels and the New Eroticism by Deborah Lutz. I read a lot this year! And I have recently discovered that I like true crime, which was an interesting thing to learn about myself. Give me all the murders.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
King Princess, Future Islands, Juliana Barwick, Zola Jesus, Drab Majesty, Lorde, Kendrick Lamar. I also got super into chillwave and synthwave and those other genres of music where it's basically just soothing sounds happening over a weird retro pastel background.
27. What did you want and get?
Published! Laid!
28. What did you want and not get?
Once again, I would love it if that insurance company were to stop suing me.
29. What was your favourite film of this year?
Hearts Beat Loud, The Ritual, Boy Erased, CAM, It Comes At Night, The Avengers: Infinity War, Searching, Can You Ever Forgive Me?, Crazy Rich Asians, A Star is Born, BlacKkKlansman, Black Panther, Eighth Grade, Hereditary, Sorry to Bother You. This was a good year for movies!
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
It was the big 3-0! I spent it keeping myself company and wandering around like a vagrant, then meeting friends for sushi. Said sushi then made me vomit a lot. But I rallied in time for a birthday party the next day, at which I got blackout drunk and had (what I presume was) lots of fun. All in all, an auspicious start to my thirties.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I really wish I'd finished Grey Dog. This year it'll happen!
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018?
Unprofessional? An unholy mishmash of blazers, skinny jeans, big big boots, and shirts with dumb things printed on them. I also started dyeing my hair red again this year and sized down my earlobes (not as successfully as I would have liked, unfortunately). So I suppose I look slightly less like a vagrant than I did before.
33. What kept you sane?
Pretending the world isn't going to descend into fire and chaos in about ten years.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Janelle Monae, Tessa Thompson, Kehlani, still Samira Wiley forever, also still Rosario Dawson forever, Gina Rodriguez, Kiersey Clemons, Gemma Chan, Gabrielle Ruiz, Jameela Jamil, and Alison Brie. And kiiiiiind of Hannah Gadsby, although that is a huge case of "life goals or wife goals," I think.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
See above re: FIRE AND CHAOS.
36. Who did you miss?
My faraway friends. I need more people to come visit meeeeeee.
37. Who was the best new person you met?
I didn't technically meet Amy this year- we knew one another in Newfoundland (and were even roommates, albeit briefly). But it's still Amy. 'Cause, you know, I'm a sap and the worst. I also made some new friends that are rad, like Rachelle (tattoo artist, turns into a goblin when drunk) and Brendan (sweet man with an awful girlfriend). Buuuuuuut it's Amy.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018.
Things get shit, and then they get less shit, and then they get more shit again, and then they get slightly less shit, and so on and so on ad infinitum, and that is more or less what life is, just things getting more and less shit by degrees over time. Which sounds awfully bleak, but I don't mean it to be! It's just something I've realized that's helped me cope with the way things are going.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I mean, I feel like politically it was
What's that crashing sound
Follows us around?
That's the sound of all things good breaking
- "Everything is Awful," the Decemberists
But personally, it was more like
So here we are in the car
Leavin' traces of us down the boulevard
I wanna fall through the stars
Getting lost in the dark is my favorite part
Let's count the ways we could make this last forever
- "PYNK," Janelle Monae
This was a year of weird dualities.