Afterwards, With Chocolate

Written by myself, today in Mlle O'Neill's class:

Well, here I am in last period.
I guess I should just continue where I left off.

So there I was, more or less in a state of hysteria. Signed out of MSN- I'd talked to Cait for about five minutes, but then I ran out of things to say, which only made it worse. There was all this... I don't know. I just felt like screaming "What the fuck did I do?!" I felt sort of betrayed, lonely. It's silly, I know, but I did.
I cried in the end, for the first time since the beginning of grade eight. Not just a few tears, but wet-pillow, mewling, gods-have-pity-on-me sobs. And yeah, I regret it, because it didn't make me feel any better. Just gave me a headache.
This whole emotional business... it makes no sense, feeling abandoned just because I haven't gotten a phone call or had certain people start a conversation or come and sit with me aside from compulsion. In fact, it's really effing stupid and makes me look like some sort of delusional control freak. And I should stop worrying that I'm going to lose a friend just because of something trivial.

Showed that to Andre, so he'd quit bugging me about why I was upset yesterday. He thinks that I'm being silly and over-dramatic, I think. He also said that I should just quit blaming myself for... stuff.
And he somehow tricked me into revealing who I like. *Wails.*
Okay, okay, so half the Cliff's population probably knows who it is anyway, but... Well, I don't think you can really blame me for not wanting him to know my secrets. Considering how he told the last one et al.
Anyway, as to the last sentence... that's been bothering me for as long as I can remember. Losing friends, I mean. I think it comes from always feeling inferior, because I was a year younger than most of my friends, so I'd try too hard and whenever we'd have a fight or even a minor argument I'd think "Oh, god, this is it, they're going to hate me." I was like that with Andre and Michael, even. And I'm definitely like that now.
Asked about it, and got a rather blank stare as a reply. Not very reassuring. But hells, maybe it was due to irritation, because I have a tendency to be sort of paranoid when it comes to this kind of thing- so much as breathe the wrong way and I'll be tugging at your elbow, saying tearfully "Was it me?"
I wish I could stop thinking like this too. Do very much. But I'm guessing that'd take a lot of very expensive therapy.
Know what I wish even more? I wish I could just go up to someone and ask them for a hug. That'd be nice.

I know how boring these things get when they're all on the same subject, so I'll talk about something else.
Hmm. Let's see. I have 'grolls. Yes I do. And they are nummy. Only now I have finished them, and so there are no more 'grolls.
And I am looking forward to tomorrow. Know why? 'Cause tomorrow, we have exploratories, and for me that means a TRIP TO CHAPTERS! For books! I'll need to get Mum something while I'm there- it's her birthday on Saturday, and I'll be spending it at the school flea market selling stuff so I'll have to make it up to her with a really good present. Like... a new Danielle Steele novel. That shouldn't be hard to find, she seems to write a new one every bloody week.
Can't stand Danielle Steele. Love my Mums, though. *Huggles Mums.* Because my Mum is cool and British and is very understanding and funny and...
*Sly look.*
My mummy's better than your mummy.
*Sly look.*
Oh yes she is.


Colin Mochrie


Which 'Whose Line is it Anyway?' actor are you!?
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AH! COLIN! I GET TO BE THE CANADIAN! *Is happy.* Canada rules. We have moose! And tequila! And curry!
Well, maybe not the last two, but I know for sure that we have moose.

you owe me money!


do your ears hang low?
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I cannot express how much joy this quiz gives me. Me an' Keru even have a little thing with it now... "Do your ears hang low?" "I rape old fish!" "I owe her money!"

And I think I should say, right here, right now, that Danko Jones' Lovercall is quite spectacularly awesome.
And I think I should also say that Robin Black has a weird sort of attractiveness.
And I should also also say that idiots who go on Oprah instead of trying to sort out their own problems should be shot. Although going on Oprah might be fun, in an egocentric sort of way.

~ (equal to) Jehane

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Pardon?

Oh, dear me, I'm sorry. Me?
There is a me beyond this?
If so, you have killed her, dear.
Yes.
You have reached into her chest and ripped out her heart, and you did it gently with a smile, and with tears, and she knows you did not mean to do it.
But the does not stop her from bleeding
and it does not put her heart back into place
and it does not keep her from spiraling downwards into the darkness.

And she does not blame you, oh no. Nor does she blame him.
She blames herself, for this has happened before.
Like you said, my dear.
For you are dear, and that is why she bleeds, you see?

The heart was soft, and had to be ripped out- better now by gentle hands than later, with claws.
But that is no comfort to her now, falling through acid rain.

~Jehane