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Apr. 29th, 2005 11:56 pmDear self:
Your ever-so-important JOB INTERVIEW OMG RACECAR BLING BLING is tomorrow. Which means you really ought to be in bed. But we in the management think that your time is better directed towards telling you all the ways in which you shouldn't fuck up than actually letting you sleep so that your chances of fucking up are lessened.
So here we go. The DOs and DON'Ts of being interviewed for a job at a deli.
DO...
... be polite.
... act friendly. (You can fake it. You passed CLM.)
... speak respectfully.
... avoid any mention of the Internet. You'd just start to talk about fandom and LJ and the ethics behind underage incestuous non-con slash. And that won't be a good thing.
... carry yourself in a manner just confident enough to seem Sure and Adult, but not so confident that you seem like a Cocky Bastard.
... go to the bathroom beforehand. You don't want to miss out onmoney gainful employment just because you had a call of nature. If worse comes to worse, cross your legs and think of the Sahara, and try not to wiggle. It's for the good of the people, after all.
... keep in mind that if a sentence begins with "So I know this might sound like a weird question, but...", you probably shouldn't finish it.
... ask questions. This makes you seem as though you are alert and intensely interested, even if you're really staring into space and thinking about Amanda Palmer.
... try to sound enthusiastic about thin-sliced beef.
... be a whore. SELL YOURSELF, KID. IT IS THE ONLY WAY.
DO NOT...
... when questioned about your life five years forward, make any references to a) decadent Parisian garrets, b) Angelina Jolie, c) being knee deep in anything (or anyone), d) absinthe*, or e) world domination.
... use the word "lascivious."
... say anything about unionizing the workers. Seriously, just don't.
... ask if you can play with the electric knife. The answer is always "No, and get the fuck out of my bathroom you freak."
... when asked, "Why should we hire you?", stammer for a few minutes before blurting out, "Well, uh, I dunno... maybe you shouldn't?"**
... quote Oscar Wilde, The Simpsons, or anyone from a musical group. (Unless they don't know you're quoting and it's appropriate for the situation.)
... use the phrase "camp as a row of tents." (Yes, I probably could work this into an interview.)
... use the phrase "camp as a pair of tights." (Thought you could get away with that one, didn't you?)
... use the phrase "I love my gay black hippie Jesus." (You may appreciate the biting wit and loving intent behind the words, but chances are others won't. Particularly if they are practicing Christians.)
... mention the homoerotic tension between the cashier and the guy turning the chicken on the spit. They will not like it even if you do tell them their girlfriends will. (See above note on "camp as a row of tents.")
Best of luck,
The management
* Or any other substances of a dubious nature. This should go without saying. Why do we need to remind you EVERY TIME?
** Yeah, okay, I did this once. ONCE. It's not a fair question.
Your ever-so-important JOB INTERVIEW OMG RACECAR BLING BLING is tomorrow. Which means you really ought to be in bed. But we in the management think that your time is better directed towards telling you all the ways in which you shouldn't fuck up than actually letting you sleep so that your chances of fucking up are lessened.
So here we go. The DOs and DON'Ts of being interviewed for a job at a deli.
DO...
... be polite.
... act friendly. (You can fake it. You passed CLM.)
... speak respectfully.
... avoid any mention of the Internet. You'd just start to talk about fandom and LJ and the ethics behind underage incestuous non-con slash. And that won't be a good thing.
... carry yourself in a manner just confident enough to seem Sure and Adult, but not so confident that you seem like a Cocky Bastard.
... go to the bathroom beforehand. You don't want to miss out on
... keep in mind that if a sentence begins with "So I know this might sound like a weird question, but...", you probably shouldn't finish it.
... ask questions. This makes you seem as though you are alert and intensely interested, even if you're really staring into space and thinking about Amanda Palmer.
... try to sound enthusiastic about thin-sliced beef.
... be a whore. SELL YOURSELF, KID. IT IS THE ONLY WAY.
DO NOT...
... when questioned about your life five years forward, make any references to a) decadent Parisian garrets, b) Angelina Jolie, c) being knee deep in anything (or anyone), d) absinthe*, or e) world domination.
... use the word "lascivious."
... say anything about unionizing the workers. Seriously, just don't.
... ask if you can play with the electric knife. The answer is always "No, and get the fuck out of my bathroom you freak."
... when asked, "Why should we hire you?", stammer for a few minutes before blurting out, "Well, uh, I dunno... maybe you shouldn't?"**
... quote Oscar Wilde, The Simpsons, or anyone from a musical group. (Unless they don't know you're quoting and it's appropriate for the situation.)
... use the phrase "camp as a row of tents." (Yes, I probably could work this into an interview.)
... use the phrase "camp as a pair of tights." (Thought you could get away with that one, didn't you?)
... use the phrase "I love my gay black hippie Jesus." (You may appreciate the biting wit and loving intent behind the words, but chances are others won't. Particularly if they are practicing Christians.)
... mention the homoerotic tension between the cashier and the guy turning the chicken on the spit. They will not like it even if you do tell them their girlfriends will. (See above note on "camp as a row of tents.")
Best of luck,
The management
* Or any other substances of a dubious nature. This should go without saying. Why do we need to remind you EVERY TIME?
** Yeah, okay, I did this once. ONCE. It's not a fair question.