I don't even know, guys.

[ishyface]

I was avoiding working on my final American Lit paper when I found a story I started to write last year, ripped off of based on a popular children's book.

The Extremely Voracious College Student

by Ish

In the light of the moon lay a little college in a little town.

One Sunday morning the warm sun came up and- pop! out of a dorm room stumbled a hungover and very hungry college student.

She started to look for some food! (And the guy she knew in her Physics class so she could steal Tuesday's notes.)

On Monday she ate through a box of Pizza Pockets. But she was still hungry.

On Tuesday she ate through two frozen Michelina dinners and watched reruns of House instead of finishing her poetry assignment, but she was still hungry.

On Wednesday she ate through three cans of Zoodles, but she was still hungry (albeit a little nauseous).

On Thursday she forgot to set her alarm and missed two of her classes, one midterm, and lunch. To comfort herself, she ate through four pints of Ben and Jerry's, but she was still hungry.

On Friday she ate through five Lipton Sidekicks, but she was still hungry.

On Saturday her mother called.

"I hope you are keeping your grades up," she said. "Your father and I have worked so hard to get you to college- we're so glad we can give you the opportunities we never had."

The very hungry college student was filled with self-loathing. She put on a Death Cab album and ate through one thing of candy beans, one loaf of banana bread, one eighteen-inch pizza, one bag of Nacho Doritos, one bag of curly fries, one box of chocolate chip cookies, one bag of cinnamon raisin bagels, one jar of pickles, one box of raspberry jam donuts, and one wafer-thin mint. This was around the time that she passed out.

That night they took her to the hospital to get her stomach pumped!

"Wow," said the medical professionals working on her. "I've never had to pump a college student's stomach because they ate too much before. Perhaps I could use her in my case study!"

The next day was Sunday again.

The college student woke up in the hospital and saw herself in the mirror. "Gasp!" she gasped. Now she wasn't hungry anymore- and she still had tubes in some very uncomfortable places.

"I will never eat so much ever again," the college student vowed, and she stayed in her dorm room for two weeks. Then one night...

It ends there, but I can only assume the college student eventually turns into a butterfly. Or drops out to go to trade school.

Also, found in a file called "youwinuniverse":

Every now and again I sigh wistfully to myself and think of how nice it would be to take some time- a week, a month, ten years, no biggie- to just sit down and write something I could really be proud of. No excuses, no interruptions, no problem.

Then I realize that in the middle of just thinking that, I took a twenty-minute break to play Solitaire.

Not that this is indicative of the progress I'm making on this essay. Or anything. Besides, I'm playing Minesweeper.

ETA: Overheard in the living room a few minutes ago.

"I saw him today, and all I could think about was his sperm."

... UM.