How to write an English essay.

By Me!

- Wake up at a quarter past nine, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, intending quite earnestly to get some serious essayin' done.
- Start up your laptop, thinking about what you're going to write your essay about. Consider themes, structure, and the brilliant wording that will surely one day make you famous. Famous!
- Think a little more about it.
- Watch an hour or two of Arrested Development. Thinking is hard.
- Make a cup of tea. It gets your brain juices flowing.
- Open My Documents. Idly look over all those pictures of Asia Argento.
- Go and get a box of Ritz crackers. You need the salt. And the starch.
- Open a blank document. Stare at all the pretty blank space you need to fill up.
- Type the title. Slowly. Verrrrrrry slowwwwwly.
- Stare at the page. Don't think. Just stare.
- What to write?
- Oh, God, what to write?
- Decide that all this work has exhausted you and treat yourself to a Scrubs marathon. Weep inside for your complete lack of self-control.