Fight Club! Terrorism! Unsent letters! And a hard-boiled egg!

[ishyface]

Dear customers:

I couldn't help but notice that you were lined up in front of the store at seven thirty this morning.
We do not not open until eight o'clock.
You just wasted a half hour that could have been spent having mind-blowing, nerve-sizzling, every-page-of-the-Kama-Sutra-three-times-before-breakfast sex because you thought you needed a pound of shaved turkey.
You go home and you think about that.

Cranky as always,
Me

P.S.: You could also have been watching Powerpuff Girls reruns. Which is still pretty good.

I bought Fight Club today.
The blurb on the back says:

A ticking-time-bomb insomniac and a slippery soap salesman channel primal male aggression into a shocking new form of therapy. Their concept catches on, with underground "fight clubs" forming in every town- until a sensuous and mysterious woman comes between the two men and ignites an out-of-control spiral toward oblivion.

That is a phenomenally shitty blurb, I think. Who writes the things? Is there someone specifically employed to write blurbs, or do they just let the janitor watch the first five minutes and scribble a synopsis onto a used paper towel?
If it's a specific job I definitely think that's what I should do for a living. Let's see how good I am at it:

So there's this guy (Edward Norton, who really reminds me of what would've happened if Jonathan and Andrew had a baby) and he can't sleep. He meets another guy (Brad Pitt, who is not nearly as good-looking as you think he is) and they kick the shit out of each other. This proves to be fun, and they teach other people to kick the shit out of each other. And Helena Bonham Carter shows her boobs. Plus SEKRIT PLOT TWIST!!1!!

I like mine better.

The government on Friday put off its long-awaited final decision on whether to sell emergency contraception without a prescription, saying the pill was safe to sell over-the-counter to adults but grappling with how to keep it out of the hands of young teenagers.
Because God knows teenagers never need emergency contraception, ever. *fond memories of friends' pregnancy scares*

A girl I work with (this one) has renamed me Oliver and decided that we should become terrorists.
No, I don't know why either.

The other night I discovered what it's like to feel adolescent. I've been an adolescent for three years (by my reckoning) so you'd think I'd've made this discovery before. But no.
It feels prickly and unpleasant, mostly. In case you'd forgotten, or haven't gotten there yet.

Also: wanty wanty wanty.

ETA: LABYRINTH MANGA. *bigflail!*

Comments

[fmith.livejournal.com]

>>who really reminds me of what would've happened if Jonathan and Andrew had a baby<<

... no words, man.

[ishyface.livejournal.com]

I don't do mpreg. Really.

[ladydreamer.livejournal.com]

If I had the time, however, I would write that story and INFLICT IT UPON ALL MWA HA HA.

[ishyface.livejournal.com]

DO IT DO IT
DO NOT DO THAT RAE. THAT WOULD BE A BAD BAD THING TO DO. SO DON'T DO IT.

[ladydreamer.livejournal.com]

You now have me planning out the fic you wicked, wicked person. You've excited my plotbunnies, and I am helpless at their evil paws!
Of COURSE I would never do such a thing. Mpreg is wrong, and gross. It goes against everything I stand for as a conservative Christian, and my hubby would not approve. Only I shall be barefoot and pregnant, for I am woman and that is all I am good for. Never, never shall we insinuate making the menfolk carry the all important baybeez!!

[ishyface.livejournal.com]

MWAHAHAHA.
I am glad you have learned your place, you sinful woman. NOW FETCH ME A SANDWICH. MY MAN-STOMACH IS A-RUMBLIN'.

[ladydreamer.livejournal.com]

Ima poison your sammitch. Oppressor.
Yes, master. *bows* If it would please your, sir, I could also felliate you after dinner.

[jonem.livejournal.com]

Oliver is the perfect name for a terrorist. Perhaps some vaguely French-Algerian surname to go with it?

Or you could do a Cher, and go the mono-named route...

[ishyface.livejournal.com]

I quite like the sound of Oliver Mandible, really. With a thick French accent.
I shall smoke like a chimney, wear a beret, and leave at least three buttons on my shirt undone.

[jonem.livejournal.com]

...and don't forget the onions. You'd need a string of onions dangling around your neck for the complete look!

[ishyface.livejournal.com]

I should probably write poetry too. Under the moonlight, or something.
Oh, and drink lots of absinthe. And grow a handlebar moustache.

[http://users.livejournal.com/anodyne--/]

Fight Club is AWESOME. It's one of my favorite movies. That and Sin City.

[ishyface.livejournal.com]

I haven't seen Sin City yet. I should definitely do something about that.

[ladydreamer.livejournal.com]

When Kuriko came to live with me, we told her she would have to cease her activities as a Chinese terrorist. I don't know that she has, but she does pay her half of the bills.

Labrynth manga- *flails alongside!!!*

Also, I am in a Fight Club. For WEREWOLVES. But... perhaps I have said too much.

[mresundance.livejournal.com]

I like your summary better too.

Bah. Of course a sensuous woman appears and ruins EVERYTHING. JEEZ. Can't these women stoping RUINING EVERYTHING OMG.

Jared Leto is in fight club too. And gets groped by Brad Pitt. Which makes Norton jealous (waaaaait - how does that work?) Aaaah, it's a little homoerotic triangle . . . ! . . . ?

Depend on a slasher to bring that one up.

[mresundance.livejournal.com]

I don't know about the karma sutra sex though. A pound of shaved turkey is better than sex with a lot of people. (Tony Blair, for example.)

Maybe your customers are underachievers?

On a side note: good god . . . *I* would really like some nerve-sizzling sex. Or just sex.

I guess I'll just have to settle for that pound of shaved turkey. :P

[ishyface.livejournal.com]

Child, you are FAR too fond of Jared Leto.
It's an insanely slashable film, even if you factor in that he'd basically be fucking himself.

[mresundance.livejournal.com]

Well, that's masturbating . . . so it wouldn't be that difficult in some ways . . . just being jealous of oneself is what I would have issues wiht.

Jared Leto is hot. The fact that you are not as fond of him is just proof of your morally rephrensible . . . . something.

I just had another thought too on the sex: the nerve-sizzling variety would likely take longer than 30 minutes. So the customers that came in later had the nerver sizzling sex. And the ones that came in early are still underachievers or something . . .

I'm thinking too much about this. Confound my Scorpio blood.

A cigar is *never* just a cigar. ;)

[ishyface.livejournal.com]

It's not that I'm NOT fond of him, exactly. I just don't find him terribly memorable, even if he does look nice in eyeliner.
Yeah, we Scorpios are all perverted bastards. If that's the curse we have to live with... well, someone's gotta write the fanfic, you know? It's for the children, or something.

[mresundance.livejournal.com]

*nods solemnly*

Oh yes. Education. Think of the children and shit. Absolutely. :P

[mresundance.livejournal.com]

Yes. Villain with big hair was David Bowie. Just so you know. 'Cause that's the most important tidbit in the universe.

[ishyface.livejournal.com]

Yep. It also has Muppets. And Very Tight Pants.

[tentertaining.livejournal.com]

She DOES have very nice boobs. That should count for something, shouldn't it? Plus with quotes like "we are the all singing all dancing crap of the world" how could... the... yeah. good.

How does it feel (to be adolecent)? What brought you opon this amazing discovery?
Wait, maybe I don't want to know if it only feels unpleasant. I always felt I never went through the "teenage" thing with the yelling and the stuff from the television...

[ishyface.livejournal.com]

It feels really bad but also good in a weird sort of twisted way. Yelling at people and snarling and pissing everyone off and knowing you're going to be punished for it but doing it anyway. It's like you're seeing it happening and you know you shouldn't do it but you can't stop yourself- it's just too much effort.
This amazing discovery was brought to you by boredom, late nights, and conflicting work schedules.

[aryador.livejournal.com]

Dandy shirts and Labrynth manga? Me like ^__^