(no subject)

[ishyface]

Know what? Early Thanksgiving dinners are made that much better if Bohemian Rhapsody comes on the radio right beforehand.

My parents went to church today for the first time in months. All well and good...
... except for the part where they became spiritually uplifted and decided that it'd be the perfect time to tell me that I should join a Christian youth group. After three years of me telling them that I'm not Christian and will never be Christian.
When they started pressing me about it (mostly feeding me the "how will you lead a fulfilled life if you don't believe in a higher power?" line), I told them that any church that said my friends and I are abominations in the eyes of God or that our relationships are signs of Satan's grip on the world is not going to have me in its ranks any time soon. That got to them, for a minute, and then they started talking about church reform and how I can't let that stop me from accepting my faith and ARGH.
Honestly, I didn't just split from the Catholic Church because I'm queer. That was a big part of it, but not the whole picture.
I left the Church because frankly the very idea of salvation makes my skin crawl.
Original sin. Who decided that that was a good idea? Who decided that being born was reason enough for eternal damnation? It's an idea that I reject, not because I'm trying to make some kind of rebellious statement but because it honestly bothers me. Even when I identified as Christian it bothered me, and while there are many Christian values I'm completely on board with- compassion, non-violence, brotherhood- I can't get over my intense discomfort with the idea that I need to be saved. I see myself as essentially a-religious- not atheist, but nontheist. In my mind there's a big difference.
I could try to explain this to them, but I don't think they'd understand what I mean. They'd think I was attacking Christianity, and honestly I'm not. I just can't see myself as being Christian and happy. If it works for you, fine, but in the words of Karl Marx, "It's not in my bag, baby."

I'm very lonely right now.
The fact that I won't be able to see anyone outside of school until next Sunday does not alleviate that at all. I'm working or at the doctor's just about every night this week. I hate having my time filled up like that- like every moment's already planned.
It's depressing.

Comments

Ranting... sorta.

[crabanzabean.livejournal.com]

People can change, guys. Its not a new phenomenon.
Leah, Katelyn is definitely not "stealing" anything from you. This is how she is, and that is how you are. Did you used to be the Catholic "role model" for teenagers or something? Has she taken away your spot in something? Maybe she's just into the whole "Rocking for God" thing more than being reserved in church. "Rocking" is what gets noticed (not that that's the point). Being a reserved person isn't.
And how can you say that people who suddenly get interested in church bug you? That makes you seem like a really big, unwelcoming snob.

I'm sorry if I offended you. I just had to get it out of my system.

Re: Ranting... sorta.

[bluelashoo.livejournal.com]

That's not entirely what I meant. I in NO way suggested that I was a role model -- anything but, really. But what gets to me the most is how she tends to dismiss me. If talk moves to the Christian faith, it's as if she has to one-up me in anything I say, because she must know more than me. Sure, maybe she might, but being constantly corrected or badgered gets to me in a big way. I'm not stupid. Maybe I haven't done meticulous research, but I do know a thing or two.

I didn't say I was perfect. In fact, I admitted that I'm rotten. It's called a personality flaw; I have a "problem" with people doing anything the same as I do, be it singing or playing piano or having curly hair. Not that I'd ever expect no one to do these things... that would be insane. But I have the constant need to be better. Honestly, it's a problem that goes way beyond this issue, so trying to change it won't do any good. It's personal. Plus, you wouldn't have known it unless I told you, which just goes to show I hide it well and it really doesn't affect anyone else other than me. Call it internal motivation.

-- blue --

Re: Ranting... sorta.

[crabanzabean.livejournal.com]

Hmmm...

I'm sorry that you feel that you're being dismissed by her all the time. I guess that since I'm just starting to get to know her, and I'm not Catholic, I can't really relate to how you're feeling. But I guess I understand where you're coming from. I used to feel put-down whenever Joanna and I would have conversations about anything spiritual - she seemed to always HAVE to be right, even if she didn't really mean it.

And you're right. You do hide it really well. I think I already knew a little bit that it bothers you, though.

I guess that's all.

Re: Ranting... sorta.

[caroline31.livejournal.com]

Oh, the Joanna spiritual conversations. We used to scream and scream at each other when we were little. She'd say I was going to hell, I'd say there was no such thing as hell, she'd say of course there was, cause her daddy said. Ahhh...good times. My mom's solution was, "How 'bout you two never, ever talk about religion ever again?" It's funny to think that we were 11 when she said that. How many 11-year-olds do you have to tell that to?

I realize now that she doesn't always mean it. Maybe she spends so much time defending her faith to others that she has to always at least seem to have the answers...? That's a theory I have, anyway. Now we have just reached an "agree to disagree" point. We will never ever agree on some things, but we still like to talk about them sometimes. We just know when to stop now! (i.e. Before we start smacking, like when we were 11...:S)