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On the closet.
Jun. 13th, 2005 02:45 pmYou know, I love being queer. Really, I do. It's one of the major ways I identify myself, I'm open about it, no issues with it, yadda, yadda, et cetera and so forth.
But sometimes- actually, a lot of the time- the queer community gets me down in a big way.
No, I'm not talking about its newfound loathing of anyone who "looks gay" (although I've ranted about that before). And I'm not talking about its blatantly unrealistic standards of physical beauty, though that does bother me. I'm not even talking about its pandering to vapid celebrities, as though Paris Hilton saying "Gays are cool!" will make us somehow more valid as human beings.
No, my friends, I am talking about its attitudes towards that milestone of any queer individual- coming out of the closet.
It's not the insistence on the importance of coming out that bugs me. Not much. Because I know why it's important- the more visible you are the harder it is for people to keep up their justifications of intolerance, if only because they'll get a bunch of screaming queens (male AND female) ranting in their faces if they mention the words "disgusting", "unnatural", or "sin." (Or maybe that's just me and my friends.) Rather it's the insistence that coming out will make your whole life better. No, really, they swear. Just come out and your life will be better and you'll fall in love and you'll dance and sing in fields full of butterflies having euphemistic sex with your boy/girl/otherfriend!
And it sounds really cool, if you're in the closet. But after you come out? Yeah, not so much.
Being out doesn't suck. Being out is not a party. Being out is in fact a good deal like being inned, except without the constant fear that everyone's gonna leave you and hate you forever. Either it didn't happen and you can breathe, or it already did and the only place to go is up. You still worry about what people think, unless you're not the type who worries. You still get defensive sometimes. You still have problems speaking up when you should. And it's not like it's something that happens once, either. Read a book- ANY book- that focuses around the coming-out process of Random Gay Teen and it seems like they do it once, then they're through. In actuality, you need to do it again. And again. And again. (Trust me, only letting a few people know doesn't work very well- there is nothing weirder than being in a room with one person who knows and three others who think you're Breeder McStraightypants.) The coming out process is long, and arduous, and sometimes feels less than worth it.
Is it worth it? Sure, it was for me, mostly because I just feel more relaxed. Of course, I have a couple of points in my favour here- I knew from a fairly young age (twelve, I think), I'm from a fairly liberal family, none of my friends were outright homophobes. The closest I have to that is Joanna, and even SHE knows- she can't say anything about me, really, mostly because she knows she'll be outnumbered. I'm lucky. And I forget that I'm in a minority. There are some people I know who can't come out because their parents will disown them, or kick them out, or try to get them "fixed." Hell, I know one guy who can't tell his dad because he's got access to weapons and he KNOWS violence would ensue. My situation is really very rosy. A lot of people can't come out, and in a lot of cases they are vilified for it. Do people being in the closet hurt the community? From a certain perspective, yeah- but that's the "everyone can come out because everyone in the world is open and embracing of queer folk (except for those radical right-wingers who as we all know are never part of a queer person's family or group of friends) and thus everyone has a responsibility to do so" perspective. In a perfect world it would work.
But our world ain't perfect, bullbulleh. And we gotta work with what we have.
But sometimes- actually, a lot of the time- the queer community gets me down in a big way.
No, I'm not talking about its newfound loathing of anyone who "looks gay" (although I've ranted about that before). And I'm not talking about its blatantly unrealistic standards of physical beauty, though that does bother me. I'm not even talking about its pandering to vapid celebrities, as though Paris Hilton saying "Gays are cool!" will make us somehow more valid as human beings.
No, my friends, I am talking about its attitudes towards that milestone of any queer individual- coming out of the closet.
It's not the insistence on the importance of coming out that bugs me. Not much. Because I know why it's important- the more visible you are the harder it is for people to keep up their justifications of intolerance, if only because they'll get a bunch of screaming queens (male AND female) ranting in their faces if they mention the words "disgusting", "unnatural", or "sin." (Or maybe that's just me and my friends.) Rather it's the insistence that coming out will make your whole life better. No, really, they swear. Just come out and your life will be better and you'll fall in love and you'll dance and sing in fields full of butterflies having euphemistic sex with your boy/girl/otherfriend!
And it sounds really cool, if you're in the closet. But after you come out? Yeah, not so much.
Being out doesn't suck. Being out is not a party. Being out is in fact a good deal like being inned, except without the constant fear that everyone's gonna leave you and hate you forever. Either it didn't happen and you can breathe, or it already did and the only place to go is up. You still worry about what people think, unless you're not the type who worries. You still get defensive sometimes. You still have problems speaking up when you should. And it's not like it's something that happens once, either. Read a book- ANY book- that focuses around the coming-out process of Random Gay Teen and it seems like they do it once, then they're through. In actuality, you need to do it again. And again. And again. (Trust me, only letting a few people know doesn't work very well- there is nothing weirder than being in a room with one person who knows and three others who think you're Breeder McStraightypants.) The coming out process is long, and arduous, and sometimes feels less than worth it.
Is it worth it? Sure, it was for me, mostly because I just feel more relaxed. Of course, I have a couple of points in my favour here- I knew from a fairly young age (twelve, I think), I'm from a fairly liberal family, none of my friends were outright homophobes. The closest I have to that is Joanna, and even SHE knows- she can't say anything about me, really, mostly because she knows she'll be outnumbered. I'm lucky. And I forget that I'm in a minority. There are some people I know who can't come out because their parents will disown them, or kick them out, or try to get them "fixed." Hell, I know one guy who can't tell his dad because he's got access to weapons and he KNOWS violence would ensue. My situation is really very rosy. A lot of people can't come out, and in a lot of cases they are vilified for it. Do people being in the closet hurt the community? From a certain perspective, yeah- but that's the "everyone can come out because everyone in the world is open and embracing of queer folk (except for those radical right-wingers who as we all know are never part of a queer person's family or group of friends) and thus everyone has a responsibility to do so" perspective. In a perfect world it would work.
But our world ain't perfect, bullbulleh. And we gotta work with what we have.