In which we are very Canadian.
May. 27th, 2007 03:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ishyfaceIt's a sad fact that in Canadian classrooms we learn far more British and American history than Canadian history. This is mostly to appease the people who are most likely to blow us into tiny bits (in their mercy). So how do Canadians learn anything about Canadian History, without actually taking a Canadian History class?*
We watch TV.
Canadian Heritage Minutes are, I think, the most important part of any childhood spent in the Great Off-White North.** These minute-long snippets of Canadian history teach us everything we need to know about our glorious nation, like how it got its name, what early Quebec settlers did in case of fire, and our connection to Winnie-the-Pooh. They also provide us with endless hours of quotation fun. Walk into any Canadian household and cry "Dr. Penfield, I smell burnt toast!" and you will be sure to get at least one laugh.
Probably from me.
Anyway. I've spent the afternoon looking for Heritage Minutes, and found some of my favourites. And discovered, disconcertingly, that I can quote some of those word for word.
Jean Nicollet Goes West
I'm not sure why mistaking Lake Michigan for the Pacific Ocean is a part of our heritage we're supposed to be proud of, but Nicollet looks so cute and hopeful I don't want to question it.
John Cabot
Of course, since now there's virtually no cod left in Newfoundland this one is painfully ironic.
Jacques Cartier
This is how Canada got its name. It sets the tone for the next couple of centuries, in which we are more inclined to smile and nod than actively try to understand people.
Women in Medicine
We're so hardcore we have uncensored penises on TV- IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.
Railroads
I'll say this for Canadian nationalist propaganda- at least we're honest about the fact that our country was built on the backs of opressed and exploited minority races.
Wilder Penfield
The burnt toast one.
The Halifax Explosion
This was one of those periods in history that used to fascinate me. I think it was the only Canadian one, too.
Superman!
Yeah, I don't know either.
The Klondike Mounties
This one is my favourite Heritage Moment ever. "Ah'm an Amurrican- you cain't do this ta me!"
The Meeting of the School Trustees
This one's my second favourite, although, again, it baffles me as to why it's something we're meant to be proud of. "The guys who founded our education system were illiterate assholes! Wooo!"
Basketball!
Poor Janitor. He never got his baskets back.
The aforementioned Winnie-the-Pooh moment.
Without us, there would be NO TIGGER.
Maple Syrup
Yes, we have a Heritage Minute about maple syrup. We also have a couple about hockey.
And, as a special bonus: Talking to Americans! Did you know that 70% percent of 7th Grade students in Canada can't locate their own state on a map? Disgraceful.
Rick Mercer is a beautiful, beautiful man. He's like Jon Stewart, except he doesn't interrupt the people he's interviewing. And he has slumber parties at the Prime Minister's house. And he's gay. And not transphobic. And sometimes dresses up as a Mountie. So not like Jon Stewart at all, really.
* Nobody wants to do this, because it's deadly dull. It's not that Canadian History is a boring subject, as such; it's just that no one who actually teaches it has figured out how to make it palatable for high school students. Or anyone with a pulse.
** Colour adjusted for global warming.
We watch TV.
Canadian Heritage Minutes are, I think, the most important part of any childhood spent in the Great Off-White North.** These minute-long snippets of Canadian history teach us everything we need to know about our glorious nation, like how it got its name, what early Quebec settlers did in case of fire, and our connection to Winnie-the-Pooh. They also provide us with endless hours of quotation fun. Walk into any Canadian household and cry "Dr. Penfield, I smell burnt toast!" and you will be sure to get at least one laugh.
Probably from me.
Anyway. I've spent the afternoon looking for Heritage Minutes, and found some of my favourites. And discovered, disconcertingly, that I can quote some of those word for word.
Jean Nicollet Goes West
I'm not sure why mistaking Lake Michigan for the Pacific Ocean is a part of our heritage we're supposed to be proud of, but Nicollet looks so cute and hopeful I don't want to question it.
John Cabot
Of course, since now there's virtually no cod left in Newfoundland this one is painfully ironic.
Jacques Cartier
This is how Canada got its name. It sets the tone for the next couple of centuries, in which we are more inclined to smile and nod than actively try to understand people.
Women in Medicine
We're so hardcore we have uncensored penises on TV- IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.
Railroads
I'll say this for Canadian nationalist propaganda- at least we're honest about the fact that our country was built on the backs of opressed and exploited minority races.
Wilder Penfield
The burnt toast one.
The Halifax Explosion
This was one of those periods in history that used to fascinate me. I think it was the only Canadian one, too.
Superman!
Yeah, I don't know either.
The Klondike Mounties
This one is my favourite Heritage Moment ever. "Ah'm an Amurrican- you cain't do this ta me!"
The Meeting of the School Trustees
This one's my second favourite, although, again, it baffles me as to why it's something we're meant to be proud of. "The guys who founded our education system were illiterate assholes! Wooo!"
Basketball!
Poor Janitor. He never got his baskets back.
The aforementioned Winnie-the-Pooh moment.
Without us, there would be NO TIGGER.
Maple Syrup
Yes, we have a Heritage Minute about maple syrup. We also have a couple about hockey.
And, as a special bonus: Talking to Americans! Did you know that 70% percent of 7th Grade students in Canada can't locate their own state on a map? Disgraceful.
Rick Mercer is a beautiful, beautiful man. He's like Jon Stewart, except he doesn't interrupt the people he's interviewing. And he has slumber parties at the Prime Minister's house. And he's gay. And not transphobic. And sometimes dresses up as a Mountie. So not like Jon Stewart at all, really.
* Nobody wants to do this, because it's deadly dull. It's not that Canadian History is a boring subject, as such; it's just that no one who actually teaches it has figured out how to make it palatable for high school students. Or anyone with a pulse.
** Colour adjusted for global warming.