welcome to downtown coolsville

It's a sad fact that in Canadian classrooms we learn far more British and American history than Canadian history. This is mostly to appease the people who are most likely to blow us into tiny bits (in their mercy). So how do Canadians learn anything about Canadian History, without actually taking a Canadian History class?*

We watch TV.

Canadian Heritage Minutes are, I think, the most important part of any childhood spent in the Great Off-White North.** These minute-long snippets of Canadian history teach us everything we need to know about our glorious nation, like how it got its name, what early Quebec settlers did in case of fire, and our connection to Winnie-the-Pooh. They also provide us with endless hours of quotation fun. Walk into any Canadian household and cry "Dr. Penfield, I smell burnt toast!" and you will be sure to get at least one laugh.

Probably from me.

Anyway. I've spent the afternoon looking for Heritage Minutes, and found some of my favourites. And discovered, disconcertingly, that I can quote some of those word for word.

( And here they are! )

And, as a special bonus: Talking to Americans! Did you know that 70% percent of 7th Grade students in Canada can't locate their own state on a map? Disgraceful.

Rick Mercer is a beautiful, beautiful man. He's like Jon Stewart, except he doesn't interrupt the people he's interviewing. And he has slumber parties at the Prime Minister's house. And he's gay. And not transphobic. And sometimes dresses up as a Mountie. So not like Jon Stewart at all, really.

* Nobody wants to do this, because it's deadly dull. It's not that Canadian History is a boring subject, as such; it's just that no one who actually teaches it has figured out how to make it palatable for high school students. Or anyone with a pulse.

** Colour adjusted for global warming.